Halfway There

Being in your twenties is definitely a lot more difficult than I thought. When I created this blog I created it based off of what people were saying. That you experience so much in your twenties and I wanted to document it all. ButI thought it was all going to be the good stuff. But quite frankly, I feel like almost nothing has gone right. I mean there are always good things that happen and looking back on the first half of my twenties, there have been many good things. But there have been many things that have crushed me. And flipped my life around. I know there’s so much more life to experience and I am sure it doesn’t get any easier. But one thing for sure, is that within the first half of my 20s, I’ve learned way more than what I can just fit into one blog post.

For those that may know me, they know I grew up in a small Christian filled community. Going to church every Sunday, going to Sunday school, youth group, and serving in any way possible. Growing up, I created a relationship with God that I thought would last forever. I remember walking the halls of High School just talking to God as if he was my best friend. However, this relationship I had with God slowly faded from best friends to strangers. I’ve had relationships like this before. Where you’re the bestest of friends one day and then the next you don’t even know each other. In middle school I had two really close friends. We did everything together and we were inseparable. The last day of my 8th grade year was probably the last time I spoke with them. I definitely wish them the best, but put me in a room with them and they’re strangers to me now. I don’t know what they’re going through or what they’re doing. What happened in my friendship with those girls is a mirror image of what happened to me with God. One day I just stopped talking to him. And that’s when I feel everything began to fall apart.

Over and over again I was put into a situation in which I needed to trust God. And I did. For that moment. And then I went on to controlling my life on my own, or so what I thought. But then again, something would happen and I’d be back on my knees begging God to change something. And then again, making him a stranger to me.

Recently, I underwent a massive hip surgery. Before this surgery I was constantly in and out of the surgeons office, and again and again he told me I would never be able to play soccer again. And boy was I mad, I wasn’t even mad I was furious and heartbroken. So mad to the point that I didn’t even go to God anymore. I ignored every sign and call back to Him. Why would I go to the God who took the one thing that I loved in my life? The one thing that made me happy. The one place where I could go to just be me and forget about the rest of the world. Why would I go to God when he took my life away?

But man, does God work in mysterious ways. After surgery, I haven’t been able to do much. I literally have to depend on my family to help me do anything. At first, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without help. But slowly as I slowly got stronger  I was able to leave the house. And so I went to the library a couple weeks ago. I picked up this random book called Life Can Be Good Again by Lisa Appelo. I grabbed it, hoping it would give me the magical answer on how to get my life back. I started the first page that night and it drew me in. But, as I slowly read page after page I realized that I’m not going to get that life back. Maybe, I’ll get the clearance to play again, but maybe I won’t. But it should not matter if I’m living a life in desperate need for God.

By far one of the hardest books I’ve read in terms of getting out of my comfort zone. That book was reciting everything I was going through. And not even that, but it had biblical truths that have made me realize that even though I don’t have the one thing that made me happy, I have God and a life that is so much bigger and more meaningful than the one I had with playing soccer.  It can be absolutely excruciating at times, and right now being in the midst of it doesn’t make it any easier. But God has a plan. Even if I don’t see it now. I need to go through this mess, so that one day I can be the woman God wants me to be.

I may not be perfect, and I’ve been running away from God, but I now know that I desperately need his grace. Every single day. Every single day I need him to get me up in the morning, to help me brush my teeth, to help me eat breakfast, to help me read his word, to help me have the strength to work, I need him to get me through each and every day. And I hope and I pray that I don’t stray again. And if I do, I hope he comes chasing after me. Because right now in this moment as I write this blog I know I desperately need him. Even when things seem like they’re going great, I still desperately need his Grace.

I’ve learned many things over the last five years, but I think the biggest takeaway I want to remember is that always, in the good and in the bad, I DESPERATELY NEED JESUS.